HIGH FIVE!
The Trainer from Fitness Hades
Brad “The Beast” McKinley wasn’t just a personal trainer; he was a walking, talking motivational poster with biceps the size of small countries. From day one, he treated Kevin’s fitness journey like a military boot camp, complete with drill sergeant enthusiasm and protein shake-fueled rage.
Their first session began with Brad screaming, “YOUR BODY IS A WAR ZONE, AND WE’RE LAUNCHING A FITNESS INVASION!” Kevin, who was more accustomed to launching invasions on his head with investment strategies, immediately regretted hiring Brad.
Brad’s methods were… unconventional. He’d interrupt Kevin’s workouts with sudden motivational speeches that sounded like they were ripped from an action movie script. “PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY!” he’d boom in the middle of a squat, causing Kevin to nearly topple over.
The breaking point came during a particularly memorable Wednesday workout. Brad had decided that Kevin needed “extreme motivation,” which apparently meant:
- Wearing a custom tank top that read “SWEAT IS JUST FAT CRYING”
- Playing eye-of-the-tiger style music at maximum volume
- Bringing his own fog machine to create “dramatic workout atmosphere”
But the final straw? Brad’s “nutrition plan.” He showed up at Kevin’s apartment unannounced, emptied his refrigerator into a garbage bag, and replaced everything with chicken breasts, broccoli, and what he called “PURE PROTEIN POWER SUPPLEMENTS” that tasted like chalk mixed with desperation.
“I’m transforming you from a human to a PERFORMANCE MACHINE!” Brad declared, dumping quinoa into Kevin’s shocked hands.
The ultimate moment of rebellion occurred when Kevin discovered Brad had replaced his coffee maker with a protein shake blender and his comfortable sweatpants with compression gear that felt like a medical-grade tourniquet.
During their final session, Kevin mustered up the courage to fire Brad. “I appreciate your passion,” Kevin said diplomatically, “but I want fitness, not a hostage situation.”
Brad looked genuinely confused. “YOU DON’T FIRE MOTIVATION! MOTIVATION FIRES YOU UP!”
Kevin’s response was simple: “Consider yourself… fired up and released.”
As Brad dramatically flexed and walked out, Kevin celebrated his newfound freedom by eating a slice of pizza – not a protein-infused, kale-sprinkled monstrosity, but a REAL slice of cheese-laden, deliciously rebellious pizza.
The lesson? Sometimes investing in yourself means knowing when to let go – even if that means firing a trainer who treats your fitness journey like an action movie montage.
LET’S GO2 YOUR SISTER’S HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING!
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